My to-do list tells me that I really don't have time to fiddle with my blog right now, but I'm hoping that a little writing will unstick my brain and unparalyze my spirit and free me up to do what I really need to be doing.
Which is getting ready for tomorrow night.
Which is the night I'm supposed to speak for the first time at MBC.
The women's ministry asked me back in the spring to do a retreat-type thing for them and I said okay. Asked how many we would have and they said 40 is a really good turn-out.
100 women have bought tickets to the thing tomorrow night. If I call the church secretary, I'll probably find out it's over that now. The fellowship hall won't even hold that many.
OK, so why do I feel like throwing up? I've spoken in front of groups that big and far bigger. I'm using material I've done before and really like. I feel passionate about my topic. I like these women. So . . . what's up?
Part of it is that every comment I hear just increases the pressure. The women's ministry committee is so excited because they've never had this kind of interest before and they keep saying, "You're such a draw! Everyone's coming to hear you!" I've heard, "My marriage is falling apart but I just keep thinking that if I can hold on til Friday night, I'll be okay." "My daughter-in-law isn't a Christian but I just keep thinking that if I can get her there Friday night, something might happen! Look for her, okay?"
You all know that I love being a pastor's wife, right? But this is the part that I don't love: people project so much onto you that there's no way to live up to their expectations. So this is the part where I remind myself that living up to other people's expectations isn't what I'm all about and that their disappointment isn't the worst thing that can happen.
So, what is the worst that can happen? Well, for one thing, we might all forget that God has some thoughts about what the night is supposed to be about and none of them begin and end with me! Another "worst" thing is that everyone could actually be impressed with some image of me and want to keep that little illusion going indefinitely. And here's what I heard way back in the back of my brain as I was walking today: "The worst thing that could happen is 100 women wanting to be my best friend." Which is another thing about being a pastor's wife that is hard for me.
So, now I've come full circle. Now I need to ask the corollary question, "What's the best thing that could happen?" Well . . . I'm thinking . . . the best thing that can happen is that we get to know each other a little better, that most of the women leave feeling encouraged and like maybe they know me a little bit better, and that God gets all the credit for such a relaxed and wonderful evening at church.
Am I unstuck? Maybe . . . I'll go work on my talk and see. Thanks for listening.