Wednesday, July 30, 2008

No regrets

The day I turned 41, I couldn't stop crying. I had weathered 40 without even a gulp but 41 turned me inside out. It all started when I heard a quiet voice inside my head say, "Someday it will be over." I want it all to last forever.

I've been feeling melancholy all day--maybe because it's a week and a day until we take Mowgli to NC (ya think?!) and I'm realizing this is over. Some of you are really anxious right now because you want me to understand that I'll be fine, that it gets better, that they never really leave, it's a new beginning . . . I get it, I get it. But this is over.

When C was sick with meningitis (before we knew what it was) and he was having what appeared to be what is euphemistically refer to as a "neurological event," he gripped my hand and said through his locked jaw, eyes intense on mine, "I have no regrets. I have no regrets." We repeat those words from time to time, when things are scary or sad.

I've been thinking about that a lot today. I was not a perfect mom. I wish I had known then some of what I know now. There are things I would have done differently. But I left it all on the field. And I have no regrets.


Julie said...

It is no coincidence that you commented on my blog tonight. I am trying to finish getting ready to go on a retreat tomorrow as a team member. It begins tomorrow evening and goes until Sunday AM. I am presenting a talk to 32 women. This is definitely me stepping out of my "comfort zone". It is on Prayer and I have incorporated the Easter Egg Hunt story in it and also about Being Real before the Lord and not wearing Masks. Please Pray for Me. I give my talk on Friday. Pray for ALL the Women who will be attending. Thank you for reaching out to me. Julie

Electric Monk said...

Well, however it makes you feel, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, T!